1. Allow yourself to mourn. This is the most important and the hardest part of grieving. Grief is the collection of internal feelings you experience after your loss (sadness, anger, etc). Mourning is expressing those emotions outwardly. Examples of mourning are planning a memorial ceremony, planting a remembrance garden, journaling, crying, etc. Many of us were raised that grief needs to be "swept under the rug" and you are "stronger" if you don't cry and keep your feelings to yourself. This is not true - it's so important to feel ALL the feelings while grieving and to give yourself grace. Take it one day at at time - sometimes you may need to take it one breath at a time.
2. Gather important keepsakes. You don't have to be crafty to make something special to honor your pregnancy and baby. Anything you do will be meaningful - trust us. Consider making a basket or shadowbox for special mementos such as your baby’s ultrasound photos, blanket, outfits, sympathy cards, etc. Many bereaved parents set up a shelf or bookcase for their baby's items. It can be very healing to see these physical things.
3. Write your feelings down. It can be incredibly difficult to explain to someone else how you are feeling - this is why we encourage journaling first. Journaling either on paper, on your computer, or even with an online blog can help express your feelings. Many bereaved parents will re-read their journal entries months later and be surprised how far they have come in their grieving journey. Consider writing a letter to your baby—what were your wishes and dreams?
4. Embrace your spirituality. Seeking to find that part of your life through prayer or meditation can bring a sense of peace to some families. But please know that spirituality doesn't have to mean organized religion and church. You could attend a yoga class or meditation workshop - try something that encourages you to focus on your breathing and taking a few quiet moments for yourself.
5. Develop a support system. You will find many people may say insensitive things to you after your loss - some simply don't know what to do to help you in this situation. We encourage you to find safe people or a support group that you can share your story with. Contact the Massachusetts Chapter of The TEARS Foundation for current groups, dates and times. We recommend attending at least three support groups to see if this is a good coping tool for you. It can be very healing to just listen to other parents' stories even if you are not comfortable sharing.
6. Talk about your grief. Say your baby’s name when speaking with others. Speak from the heart and be honest. Ignoring your grief will not make it go away. There is no quick fix for grief, but sharing your story over and over will help you acknowledge what happened. Please remember that every person's grief is different - there is no timeline or "right" amount of time in healing. You may also notice that you will feel better for a period of time and then a trigger may cause you to feel your grief heavy again - that is completely normal. Grief ebbs and flows just like the waves of the ocean.
7. Take care of yourself. Grief takes a toll on you emotionally as well as physically. Get daily rest—even if you have trouble sleeping, try to at least lay down. Lighten your schedule. Focus on drinking lots of water. Spend time outside - whether it's a short walk or just lying down on the grass.
8. It’s ok to say “No”. Your baby has died. Understand and respect your limitations. If you are not up to attending your cousin’s baby shower or the Christmas gathering this year, it’s always okay to say “No, I can’t attend. Please respect the time I need right now.”
9. Ask for help. Reach out to family or friends and tell them exactly what they can do for you (housework, taking care of other siblings, making a meal, shoveling snow, picking up groceries, etc). We know it can be hard to ask for help, especially months later when people tend to go on with their own lives. But family and friends do want to help you feel better - let them take care of things to help lighten your load. We also recommend speaking with a mental health professional as therapy can be very helpful as you navigate your emotions and start to find your new self. Reach out to the Massachusetts Chapter of The TEARS Foundation for counselor recommendations. Please remember you should not suffer alone - we are here for you.
10. Continue to honor your child’s life. On the anniversary of your baby’s birth or due date, find a way to remember your child. Bereaved parents are so creative and many ideas include lighting a candle, making a birthday cake, painting “kindness” rocks and hiding them at a park, planting flowers or a tree, writing your baby's name in the sand at the beach, making a donation in memory of, asking family and friends to send you pictures with your baby's name/symbol, wearing a special color, paying it forward with an act of kindness like buying coffee for a stranger, etc. We always encourage you to attend a TEARS Rock & Walk for Babies event to honor your baby as it's incredibly healing to see other families from the community together.
What other ways do you honor your baby and cope during your grief journey? Please share them with us.
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